Get Rid of Your "But's"

I have a confession to make. I am a recovering "but" user. I have had a lengthy history of trying to meet a listener where s/he was at, and then have sought to bring the person over to my side... "the right side." I have often done this by beginning a statement mirroring what my listener has just said and then have dropped the ole "b" bomb to segue to where I really wanted the conversation and the person I was speaking with to go. It has taken a lot of attention to stop this nasty habit and find alternative ways to communicate my intention behind my "but."

Trust me. It's been worth it!

"But" is quite possibly the most useless word in the English language. When a speaker uses it in interpersonal communication or even worse, in a presentation, it signals, among other things:

1. A lack of confidence. (The communicator has to cushion his/her real message rather than owning what s/he really wants to say.)

2. The inability to find common ground (Otherwise, the communicator would use more conciliatory language.)

3. Laziness!

For the listener, some of the consequences are:

1. Getting lost on how to take action (Often times the listener remembers what came before the "but" rather than what came after.)

2. Feeling insulted ("But" often lands as a personal affront.)

3. Lethargy. (A "but" sucks the possibility and energy from communication.)

When you find yourself wanting to interject a "but" into a statement, identify what you most want to achieve (i.e. shift the conversation to a new direction, choose the best option after brainstorming, or to anticipate an objection).

Once you know the outcome you are seeking, you can figure out the best way to substitute a "but" for what you are really attempting to say. For example:

"I hear where you are coming from; now I want you to take a breath, put what has been discussed on hold, and consider what I have to say before we finalize what to do next."

"There are a lot of possibilities for how to move forward, and I think _____ is the best one for these top 3 reasons."

"If you are anything like me, you've heard a lot of discussion around _____. It's a hot topic. And to ensure we achieve a mutually beneficial solution, I'm proposing _____."

And the most important strategy- ASK A QUESTION TO ENGAGE THE LISTENER IN COMING UP WITH A SOLUTION THAT SERVES BOTH OF YOU.

Let's see a "but" intervention teasing out this last strategy.

A manager for entry-level employees, "Josh," has just brought on a new salesperson, "Gina." Josh is thrilled about Gina's potential. She if full of infectious enthusiasm, comes with a lot of leads, has a knack for seeing opportunities where others see limitations, and most importantly, she converts prospects into clients. Josh has been giving Gina lots of carrots, and Gina has expressed her appreciation for Josh's trust and positive feedback.

Over the last couple of weeks, Gina has stopped responding punctually to Josh when she is on the road. When Josh finally gets Gina on the phone, she says, "I don't understand why I need to be in touch with you the day that you call. When I don't respond, it means I'm busy doing my job. Isn't that a good thing?"

Josh really wants to say yes, "but"..... What other options does he have?

Many managers (and let's face it, significant others, parents, and friends) find themselves in this situation all of the time- negotiating how to give another the right balance between structure and autonomy. The good news for Josh is that he didn't use "but." Instead, he did the following:

"Gina, you are a model member of the sales team. You know that. I know that. And you're right. You shouldn't always need to get back to me right away. Sometimes what I need is urgent and other times it's not. How do we ensure that we have a system in place for the time sensitive messages?"

Once Gina gets to do what she loves best, propose a solution, she's engaged in the conversation and drops any defensiveness that might have been percolating.

"Yeah, I guess I can't assume that every message isn't time sensitive, like I've been doing," Gina concedes. Is there some way you could differentiate messages for me so that if I'm busy I don't have to spend a lot of time deciphering what is pressing?"

To which Josh responds, "Sure. For the urgent stuff I can star email messages, leave a voice mail, or even Facebook you. What's your preference?"

"A text message, actually," Gina confesses. I'd like texts for the stuff you want me to respond to in an hour. Keep using email for anything that can wait a day or two. And cool it with the voicemail. I use the phone for chasing clients. I'd really prefer not to have to wade through even more phone messages than I already am."

And sure enough, Gina and Josh have not needed another check-in on their communication. And if at any point they do, Josh is clear that he will again resist the temptation to let Gina speak only to "but" her. Instead, he will solicit her participation in an amendment to the existing strategy or creation of a new one.

What opportunities can you engineer for engaging your clients, co-workers, friends, and family in providing solutions to hiccups in communication?