3 (of the Hundreds) of Assumptions NOT to Make About Millennial Brides

I had the good fortune to facilitate the wedding of a dear friend (and one of my first coaching clients!) on their beautiful tropical island a few weeks ago. With my first anniversary just three months away, stepping back into marriage land resurrected some marital musings I never previously got around to sharing.

Now if you’ve made one or more of the following assumptions about me or another millennial bride, don’t berate yourself. But do take a moment and reflect on what values, feelings, ideologies and experiences have shaped your assumptions. And play around with sculpting some new, less limiting ways of thinking.

1. We’ve changed our names. Call me naïve or perhaps just severely clouded by my disdain for post-feminism, but for a while, I really did find this one shocking. If Gloria Steinem and Jessica Valenti could opt into the brides’ club without losing their “F” cards and identities, surely little ole Lex could. Plus, growing up at least half of a dozen of my friends’ moms had hyphenated their last names or kept their “maiden” ones. And most Gen-X and Gen-Y men, even if they don’t self-identify as feminists, nonetheless support the movement’s goals for social, political, and economic equity. Yet, I’m consistently referred to as Mrs. O not only by solicitors (who I understand have been trained to make this assumption in an attempt to be PC and not suggest I’m living in sin with the man of the house), but also by my accountant (who incidentally also tried to credit my business earnings to my husband), former co-workers, oh yeah, and the majority of my extended family members. I never realized how much I delighted in my last name until so many people I know have tried to take it away from me.


2. When we register with a charity, we somehow secretly want you to give us money. This one really gets me. Why do so many people who know me think that I wouldn’t just register with a traditional store or open a special donation-friendly savings account if I wanted them to contribute to my domestic happiness? As long as there are almost 3 million homeless American youth each year (approximately 1% of the American population) and almost 1 billion people worldwide who are illiterate (most of them women and girls), I really can do without a new bread maker. Sorry honey. I love that marriage can bait so many into wanting to donate in the spirit of love. But if the happy couple asks you to give to a charity, gosh darn it, do it! Whether you know me or not, please consider giving to Mr. O’s and my favorite two charities- Reciprocity Foundation and Room to Read. What’s more “sacred” than giving young people a chance at success?


3. We’re not still critical of marriage. You betcha, I’ve still got my beefs. I’m not particularly excited to inherent my partner’s credit rating. Nor can I feel totally comfortable reaping a variety of benefits (and by variety, I mean thousands) from an institution that doesn’t have a place for so many of my dearest friends. Making the decision to legally marry my partner by no means indicates that I find marital critiques old-school. But over the years, I’ve recognized that opting out of things I don’t like rather than seeking to remedy them is lazy and anti-activist. I like to believe that I’m remodeling the institution one day at a time through engagement to my partner, my work, my friendships, and to my local and global community.

If you’re a millennial bride, what assumptions have your friends, family and colleagues made about you? What assumptions have you made about yourself that perhaps aren’t serving you so well? What’s the payoff for re-defining marriage from within the institution rather than from the outside in?